Overwhelm – how it can creep up on us

Reading the latest Psychologies Magazine (December 2018), I was drawn to the self-analysis quiz – ‘What’s the Root Cause of your Overwhelm?’  Answering the multiple choice questions I found I scored highest on ‘Perfectionism’. Reading through the other 3 categories I could just have easily identified with any of them! The others were self-doubt, over-thinking and people-pleasing.

The Creep

I have been staying at my mother’s intermittently over the last few months helping her get ready to move home. Staying with her means the daily routine for the dogs and I changes quite a lot. On one of my visits I was woken by one of the dogs, Jack, in the middle of the night who, unusually, wanted to get out to the toilet. Reluctantly, I heaved myself out of bed to let him outside. Afterwards I struggled to get back to sleep.

The next evening, at 4 am, one of my other dogs, Archie, took his turn to wake me up. He was not content with being let out in the yard for a pee. Growling, in the dead of night (that’s me that was doing the growling), I took him to the orchard and waited in the dark for him to do his business. I was grumpy.

At 7:00am the following morning Archie was up again, pestering me to go outside. In my own house its easy, I can just let him out into the garden. At my mother’s house I have to go with him because the garden is not enclosed and she lives near a road. In wellies, with a raincoat over my pyjamas I followed him outside into the grey, cold and  wet November morning.

What was going on for me?

I was trying hard to ignore the feeling, but I was angry. I was angry towards him.

“Why was he doing this to me?”

“Didn’t he know I had a whole lot of other things to do today?.”

“Why can’t he just go to the toilet when I take him out?”

I know, totally irrational, but I’m being honest.

These thoughts were followed by my familiar self-recrimination:

“why can’t I be a nice person and just look after my dogs? Instead I seem to nurse this resentment. Other people would be accepting and just want them to be comfortable.”

They had chicken for dinner the night before. I had previously wondered if Archie had developed an intolerance to chicken.

‘I knew there might be a problem,  I shouldn’t have fed chicken’.

Archie wasn’t even trying to pooh, he was just eating grass. So I knew he had an upset tummy. Why was I angry?

Increasing Understanding

Eventually, with quite a bit of resistance on my part, I started to question the emotions I was feeling.  What could I learn? I soon recognised that I didn’t want to think about faults in myself.

‘I’m the creator of “Anubis Therapy,” an innovative way to self-awareness with your dog as your guide’

I needed to believe I was the expert, omnipotent! That need was incompatible with finding faults in myself. Hmm Perfectionism, a little reminder of the magazine article from the day before.

Knowing myself is, for me, one of the most important things I can do in my life. What anyone can do. It’s what my therapy is about. It seems I only want to know myself if it shows me that I’m super-duper great at everything?  A reminder that working on myself is not an easy route.

What else was going on?   I acknowledged how it terrifies me that any harm will come to anyone I am responsible for, humans or animals.  I realised I was trying to block that fear from myself and instead blame it on Archie and his inability to toilet at the prescribed time. (Watch Brene Brown’s funny clip on ‘blamers’ on how we project blame on others to protect ourselves)

I was blaming Archie and this situation for my frustration, but the build-up of emotion was actually to do with a whole host of other things that were going on: helping my mother clear out a lifetime from cupboards, visiting the solicitor, getting the dogs walked, organising removals and running my own business. All vying for my attention. While I desperately wanted do the best for everyone.

Letting Go

Then I tried to stop thinking and analysing it all. Archie continued to eat grass. I stayed present with the feelings. Gradually some tears squeezed out. Not a full release – so I know there will be more to come –  just enough to know that I’m on the right track, that there’s more to be discovered.

A few minutes later, I’m relieved to say, Archie had managed to move himself too (all puns intended).

I had stepped a little closer to knowing, and more importantly, accepting myself.

If you are interested in trying out this sort of analysis for yourself the process I use is described here  Self-Help for Dog Owners  (but only if you ever get annoyed with your dog!)